Lights in the Darkness

An open palm

My time with my wonderfully glorious Lord has been so good lately. It’s been encouraging to myself to see Him blessing my time even shorter amounts upon prayer for it to be profitable. He had been answering my prayers for closer communion with Him. How true it is that He gives you the desires of your heart if you are delighting yourself in Him or in other words having His desires, wishing to glorify Him with pure intent. I am so overwhelmed by His mercy that He invites me to sit at His table to share of the glories in Heaven. That He will perfect us and call us by name although we deserve wrath and even our finest affections for Him are but filthy rags. What a Savior! My Lord is so loving. I pray that my eyes my hope my everything would be set on Him and things above. Not to toil w this world so far as to clench my fist not wishing to depart from something earthly.. That I would live to glorify Him, in all that I do whether I eat or drink… Living life here in this foreign place not my Home, with an open palm of submission to His divine decree. An open palm of praise. An open palm of sanctity able to part with this world. An open palm of love and peace as opposed to a clenched fist usually formed by anger that symbolizes an Alert of violence. An open palm of giving rather than taking. An open palm of gentleness that is inviting. An open palm of dependence and humility, understanding the greatness of my God.
All these I wish to live out daily as I use my hands for His glory let me dwell on the truths behind it. Good reminder is eph 2:10 …I am His workmanship created in Christ for His good work…

Just so thankful for my salvation. For the hope that is in Him alone. For the promise that I will one day look Him face to face and thank Him for saving my soul.

Trusting Him.

I’m At the gas station about to go see Rachel and her family. It just hit me that her brother might not wake up. I have no clue what to say to her. Perhaps nothing just be there for her. Praying the Lord would work through me, that I not doubt Him. Lord five me strength

Discernment

So first I realize that i am constantly and consistently using run on sentences so beware of that as you read further haha. Its probably bc i blog from my phone and at night while in bed…which means I’m tired and trying to write it as quickly as possible.

Interesting situation tonight that I felt like writing about. For one bc I can’t tell anyone that would possibly know this friend of mine even if I were vague for its too obvious and would ten be a temptation for whomever I told to be curious to unintentionally guess who it is I’m referring to. Which is how gossip and slander can start I’m sure. Although the women in my life aren’t much of malicious gossips.

So anyway, tonight I received a txt from a close sister in Christ informing me of how one of our close guy friends asked her to dinner. She and him have a weird friendship with past tendencies of him being inappropriate in his speech and conduct w her, not treating her as a sister which has made things awkward. She’s well aware of his attraction to her and his past crush on her which a year back or so she made her no interest clear. However, recently she has allowed the inappropriate conduct of him complimenting her being partial to her, and other issues which could lea him on. All flirtatious scenarios but none of which are completely out of line into a direct sin of anything. Just unwise decisions which result in sin by not discerning better going since its going against any pricking of the conscience.

So upon her text I initially received I sent her a response after trying to encourage her to ask a wiser woman from the mixed aged group that is going on tmrw (every woman’s grace).

I said:
Well I would clarify all this now before going to dinner. In all honesty I don’t think dinner is wise one on one no matter how mature the two attending are. And sharing trials seeking advice from someone who is not your shepherd or pastor.. I really encourage you to think this through and discern if it could be unwise in any way. Which is taking it to scripture and obviously this is a discernment issue it’s not going to flat out say do or don’t do this. But through knowledge of the word we can discern wisely in situations. Which is why, since I am not as knowledgable in it as someone older, to ask someone older. It really is an important issue and I say this because of course I care about you as well as ______ and ensuring he doesn’t stumble in any way. And if you feel it really is best to meet with him on this topic rather than someone else, it might be best to look into other options such as a casual coffee meet or at church. Or bible study. As well as clarify the intentions beforehand :)

She had an opposition against it regarding him even liking her in which I said:
Lol well I don’t know but we all know he has a definite attraction to you and waivers in liking you depending on if you talk to him or not.
She responded by saying shes going to pray about it and ask him his intentions. Both of which are good for starters..
So I responded with:
Im so thankful that we have a high priest who understand us to the fullest! Yes that’s good precedent for it and prayer is the best thing followed by seeking for the truth. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you and I’ll be praying for you with job searching continually and that the Lord would provide grace through this. Hopefully this is encouraging but through this to ask yourself, since this is necessary, in what way is He trying to make me more like His son through this circumstance?. Heb 4:15, 1 Cor 10:13 I find are always good reminders to myself. Especially when I find it hard to trust in His divine decree. And of course Ro 8:28. Perhaps this is not even on target but I don’t know exactly what is eating at you but I know the Lord does so I’ll be praying.

She replied with what he had txted to ger questioning him. “My intention is to help you relax over your current situation:) ” then she said: see no need to worry.

Now here are my thoughts in which I had to refrain in practicing self control. I wanted to say something along the lines of, “if you knew in your heart you are thinking on what Phil 4:8 entails, on truth then why do you justify your desire to follow through?”.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. (Philippians 4:8 NASB)

I decided not to call her on it bc I want to be gracious in how I approached her. It’s difficult at times for me to remember that I am not the Holy Spirit and to trust in my God in all things. I know He will use this to grow her, the guy, and even myself.
I shortly after realized that I needed to reflect on my own intentions of discussing this with her. Is it bc f my pride? Am I being loving or self righteous? Am I desiring a behavior modification out of her or simply desiring sanctification while trusting it will happen when the Lord wills it and that He promises it in time. and is allowing her to follow through since I can’t stop her a bad decision on my part? All these questions race through my mind as I myself try to discern in my own situation. Do I take my own advice and ask someone wiser, pray on it and seek out the truth or will I be a hypocrite in the midst of giving her counsel, so to say. …? Well here I am, examining my heart, trying to seek righteousness. I think these are good steps but I’m such a long ways from truly discerning yet alone having scripture based responses during these types of challenging circumstances. That alone is a conviction to be dwelling more richly in the Word.

Its difficult as well when you feel truth screaming from within saying my dear sister live above reproach! My dear sister examine yourself! My dear sister whatever you do, do all for the glory of God! My dear sister have a teachable heart and take advice and seek truth otherwise what use is it to have the body of Christ?.
But what screams within me also screams, Amber you are so right! Let her see this! MAKE her see this! Look how wise you are in knowing how to discern if your were in her situation! Oh wretched prideful and self-righteous sinner that I am!!!!!!! My greatest strength at this moment has just turned into the opening of a door, letting sin flood in through it.

On a thankful side, I am truly grateful that the Lord has opened my eyes to all of this bc it is such an encouragement when I can visually see my growth in Him. It reminds me of who I was just over 2 years ago…when I knew nothing and was deep in the common, worldly sins of man.

I’m thankful that in seeing her sins and lack of discernment, it has caused me to examine myself to see if and when I have fallen to the same sins. Is my heart teachable? Do I accept confrontation with love? Do I have a deep respect of it, seeking to check for the wisest decision In order to honor my Lord? How are my interactions with brothers? Am I leading anyone on through a lack of heart guarding? Do I regularly seek older counsel? Do I tend to make justifications for my sin or do I confess my sins?

All questions for me to think through..

A Reflection of Eph 1:3-9

It is His will to love us and predestine us for adoption so that our hearts will overflow with the praise of His glorious grace.

War

It seems like the more I am aware I’ve been clinging to earthly things, the tighter my clench becomes. The more I want to stop, the deeper I am becoming entangled.
This war wages inside me between the flesh and my mind. I am no longer a slave to my sin, yet it seems as though I am. I’ve allowed this world and what it brings to be a master over me, not able to focus on Him, who paid my debt.

It reminds me of Romans 7.

wednesday

You get those moments when you just feel like writing, but then when time allows..the words are simply…gone.?

truth be told..I want to jot my thoughts down, my unwise, immature thoughts.

Often when I begin to do so, I feel convicted that I am not thinking on truth. As if everything I say should be wise, as if I myself am wise. But I’m not, so here’s to jotting down unwise, but censored thoughts.  Here’s to admittance of my pride in self. And the hope in one day looking back and seeing the growth that has taken place in its due time.

Now to jotting…if there be any words left in mind to even say.

I had my wisdom teeth extracted yesterday, which has left me to relax and get close to nothing accomplished.  Thankfully the pain is minimal, but I cannot do much activity because it could trigger bleeding in my gums.  That was background to set the context..I have had an abundance of time since yesterday..to be with mom and watch numerous shows..I have had time to become completely bored. 

I kept hearing about the death of someone named Dakota on fb…I had the time to search it and came to find out that I knew who he was.  Then I discovered that one of my best friend’s little brothers was critically injured in a car accident, while his best friend is the one that died.  It was careless speeds and reckless driving that they crashed after a sharp turn.  I literally don’t know what to think. What does one say to their close friend that isn’t a believer? Just the usual, “I’m here for you if you need anything.” Her brother is in the hospital and honestly I don’t know how he will eventually feel, emotionally. I couldn’t even imagine being responsible for the death of another. Although, everything is Father filtered, its in the Lord’s divine decree..which entails wisdom..that He allowed this..that it will bring Him glory someway, somehow in the end.   I just don’t know what to think.  I am reminded right now that He gives grace before every trial…He’ll give me the words to speak.   I’m just so thankful that Colt is alive.  He is in critical condition in a coma right now…but he is alive.  I can’t help but think of his soul…can’t help but pray for his salvation through this…I’m just thankful that he has more time before judgment.  We all die, its the matter at hand of what happens once we die.  Has this world been so kind to us that we be sad to depart?  (paraphrase of CS Lewis quote..i think CSL at  least).  We all die once and after that comes judgment.  I’m grieved to think that the young man that died as the passenger was not a believer.  I try not to think of it.  I don’t want to question it, the Lord is sovereign and Romans 10 speaks on this.  We all deserve wrath for our endless sin.  I can’t do anything but pray for those who are grieving right now for the loss of a loved one.  Pray for their ultimate comfort in Christ.  Everything else is useless, its temporary and not fulfilling. 

wisdom teeth…I had no clue the roots were that big or went that deep into your gums. (to think that I have these huge gaping holes in my gums right now).  Its like you see the tooth and have no clue whats beneath it.  Somehow this reminds me of God. We see His works..yet don’t know the depth beneath them.  We see the fruits, yet don’t know the depths of their roots.  Perhaps we don’t truly know its there..we have a faint idea of what the root could be..that obviously there is some sort of root to hold the tooth in..but unless previously aware of what it looks like..we have no clue.  I imagine it will be like this when we meet our Lord..except 10 times more intense.

alone…you ever feel like no one truly gets you besides the Lord?  I am reminded, there is a difference between loneliness and being alone.  I can be surrounded by others and yet still feel as though my thoughts can’t be communicated to them. That no one quite understands me.  This fear rolls into dating..will I meet a man that will ‘get’ me?.  My answer is yes, I will..I mean, thats nothing in comparison with how mighty my Lord is for Him to have created a man for me and me for him in the sense of marriage.  (obviously I was created for Him not for a sinner). but still…these thoughts capture me..that as of now, when I do try to communicate..either the other person probably finds me completely naive/immature..or they can’t relate in any way.  Wait, theres another possibility..the one where the other person says they understand, but it simply doesn’t satisfy.  Its like I don’t really believe that they get it. And its because of their response of course.  They don’t respond in a way that affirms it or adds to it..I don’t get that bonding feeling..that feeling that finally someone understands.  And these instances always…always lead me back to my Lord..precious little reminders within it that He gets me.  This may be part of why Psalm 139 is so dear to me.  I know another reason is the fact that I am so terribly self conscious which I understand is the fear of man with a hint double scoop of pride topped with selfishness.. I think my sin is so vivid to me that I am finding it hard to even be with myself haha..I hate that I produce such sin..constantly.  And even still…I realize that this points me toward Christ..toward the unfathomable truth that He loves me..that I am perfect through Him because He imputed His righteousness on me and took my sin.  How much this magnifies Him!

These thoughts are there..but I suppose what I mean to say is that..okay, I know others relate to what I think and feel…but at times, instead of anyone relating, what I get is the feeling that they want to ensure that I am thinking on truth.  I’m trying to, and thankfully the Lord keeps helping me to discern..but its just nice to have someone merely..relate.  Relating without trying to correct me.  (As I say this, I realize I do this sometimes.)

Someone I feel I can be ‘myself’…my sinful self (not in a good way but in the sense that I wouldn’t feel the need to mask my sin and make myself look good in fear of what they think/judging me) Which, goes back to my own sin..that its my deal, the fear of man in my heart.  But I am a sinner..I will be til I die..So I will sin..I want someone in my life who can see past it to help lead me to glorify the Lord.  Because honestly, I need that fellowship.  We all do. 

Eight days in..

One week already of daily dwelling on what I am thankful for..how humbling this can be. This is causing me to be so thankful for being able to be thankful and actually following through with the action of deep gratitude.